Firsts and Lasts
by bevfan
Summary: Kathryn knows it may very well be her last night on Voyager and she can't sleep. J/C


_I wrote this a while back for a Tumblr kiss prompt from_ dvandme _: desperately_

Kathryn entered the dark mess hall and headed straight for the replicator. So what if it was three in the morning? She wasn't going to get any sleep, so why not enjoy a cup of coffee? Maybe her _last_ cup of coffee. Kathryn immediately squelched that thought down, even though it was getting harder and harder to stop thinking about _lasts._

"Hello, Kathryn."

Kathryn gasped and almost spilled her precious cup of coffee. She had thought the mess hall was empty, but now she saw Chakotay sitting on a couch near the viewport. He was in full uniform, but held no cup or padd to explain his presence in the mess hall at this hour.

"What are you doing here?" she asked and Chakotay shrugged.

"Coffee at three in the morning, huh? Is that how you're going to beat them tomorrow?"

His tone was lighthearted enough and he gave her a slight smile, but Kathryn couldn't quite reciprocate. She approached him and Chakotay slid over to make room for her on the couch. She sat down far enough away to keep from touching, but close enough to see how Chakotay's eyes glittered in the starlight. She looked away from him and into the dark depths of her coffee cup.

"I can't sleep, Chakotay. I spent some time in the ready room updating my logs and some other things—letters to family, that sort of thing. And then I went on a tour of the ship. I kept telling myself it wasn't any different than any other time I've had insomnia and walked the ship, but there's this little voice inside my head that won't shut up. It keeps saying, 'Your last time in engineering, your last time in the shuttle bay, your last time in this turbolift, your last…' "

Kathryn sighed and shook her head. She took a sip of coffee and finally looked back at Chakotay. He was watching her intently.

"What is the voice telling you now?" he asked.

"My last time drinking coffee while I stay up much too late talking to you. Those are some of my best memories, you know. Chakotay, I'm glad I found you here tonight. I want to tell you just how much your friendship has meant to—"

"Don't." Chakotay held up his hand. "I don't want to hear your goodbyes. I'm supporting you, just as you asked, but I'm not listening to your goodbyes."

The lightheartedness was completely gone and Chakotay looked as grim as she'd ever seen him.

"I have a little voice in my head too. It's telling me this is the last time I'll ever see you whole and healthy like this again, the last time I'll ever watch you drink your coffee, the last time I'll tell you to take care of yourself for once in your life, the last time we'll ever sit together like this…"

He clamped his mouth shut and swiveled to look at the stars. Kathryn stared at him in astonishment.

"I'm sick of the word last," she finally managed to say. Chakotay turned back to her.

"Me too. Let's have a first instead."

He was suddenly in her space, one hand pulling away her coffee cup while the other was against her cheek. Then his lips were brushing hers, tentatively at first, then more insistently, his tongue soon seeking entrance. Kathryn was shocked at first. She hadn't expected this at all, she should make him stop, but instead she deepened the kiss, her arms going around him. Chakotay pressed himself against her, lowering her on the couch, letting his weight rest on her, his kisses becoming more and more desperate and fierce.

Abruptly he stopped and let his forehead rest against hers, panting harshly. He took her face in his hands and looked into her eyes for a long moment.

"This was our first kiss, not our last," he finally said.

"Let me up." Kathryn pushed at his chest and Chakotay moved away, letting her sit up. She was panting too, aching with need, her face flushed and her lips swollen. She ran a hand through her hair. Chakotay was staring at her just as intently as he had earlier. He was memorizing her, Kathryn realized, storing away his images of her, just in case…

"That was some first kiss," she finally managed to say.

"You're beautiful, you know. No matter what happens tomorrow or what they do to you, you'll always be as beautiful to me as you are right now," Chakotay whispered.

He leaned forward and gave Kathryn another kiss, but this time it was gentle and slow and then he held her face in his hands again..

"You don't have to do anything about these kisses, all right? You can pretend they never happened tomorrow, if that's what you need to do. I'll understand. But remember that tonight was our first kiss. It wasn't a night of lasts because we're going to get you back. You're going to be fine."

She was still terrified. Of course she was. She was going to allow herself to be deliberately assimilated by the Borg the next day, a horrifying prospect. She didn't know what this kiss might mean for them, but right now, it was enough to sit with Chakotay and to let herself be soothed by his warm arms and the occasional press of his lips against her cheek or lips. They had time, after all because this wasn't her last night on Voyager.


End file.
